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How to tell your wife about your fantasy

You’ve been thinking about it for years. You’ve never told her. Here’s how to bring it up without blowing everything up.

You typed some words into Google at one in the morning, cleared your history and did it again the following week. And you’ve never told her. If you’re here, that’s probably you, and you’re in plenty of company.

The American researcher Justin Lehmiller surveyed more than 4,000 people about their fantasies for his book Tell Me What You Want. More than half of the men said they had fantasized about seeing their partner with someone else. You’re not strange. You just haven’t found a way to say it yet.

Not in bed, and not face to face

The worst moment is during sex. She’s vulnerable, so are you, and the slightest wrong reaction sticks. Pick a calm moment: a walk, or the car. Being side by side helps a lot, because nobody has to hold eye contact while you look for the words.

Talk about a desire, not a plan

There’s a world between "I’d like you to sleep with someone" and "there’s an idea I’ve had in my head for a long time, and it’s a bit awkward to talk about." The first is a request. She’ll hear: he wants me to do it. The second is a confidence. She can simply listen.

Also say what it doesn’t mean: that you’re not bored with her, that you’re not looking to leave, that you’re not expecting anything specific. That may seem obvious to you. It isn’t to her.

Use a story

Showing is often easier than explaining. Read a story together, or send one with a simple "this one did something to me, I’m not sure why." She can read it quietly and react in her own way, or not at all. It opens the door without forcing it.

Give her time, and the right to say no

She may laugh. She may go quiet, or be shocked or hurt. None of that is a final answer. Don’t bring it up again the next day. Let a week go by, then simply ask whether she’s thought about it.

And if it’s no, it’s no. Having said it is already huge. Many couples keep this kind of fantasy as a game between them, something they tell each other and never act on. That suits them fine.

And if she says yes?

Then there’s no rush. Keep talking. In bed this time, if you like. Write down some rules, even silly ones. Pick a word that stops everything. What comes next will come or it won’t, but you’ll be in it together.

In the meantime

If you’re not ready to talk to her, you can first explore how it makes you feel, in fiction and without imposing anything on anyone. That’s what Nyssia’s hotwife AI chat is for.